An In-Touch Alternative to New Year's Resolutions
New year's resolutions are SUPPOSED to feel good.
So why do they often come with an overwhelming sense of pressure? Why do they seem to come from a place of needing to “fix” ourselves?
I’m starting to realize that the way we make resolutions is flawed and outdated. There is certainly a better way!
Tune in to the latest podcast episode to hear my thoughts on resolutions and an improved approach to setting healthier, more productive intentions for the year.
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Show Notes:
Hey, Risers. Welcome to episode 139 of Empathy Rising. I am hunkered down in my closet, which if you've been following along for a while, know that is my recording space. But it is Sunday night and I have snuck away.
The children are like three days from going back to school. Don't ask me why they go back on a Wednesday instead of tomorrow. Cause that would be so lovely if it was actually tomorrow. But it's not—we have two more days.
I love my children, but I almost feel like these long breaks from school… It's like when a relative comes to visit and the first couple of days are glorious and awesome and fun and lovely. And then, by day four, you're like, alright, you ready to go home yet?
That's how I feel about my kids, but they'll be back in school soon and everything will be getting back to normal. I'm excited about going back to some normal routines, having my space, having some quiet. And that would be really nice at this point. I'm still technically in off work mode for another two weeks. Side Hustle officially kicks off in two weeks.
This is the sixth cohort. I don't know what it is, you guys about this sixth cohort, but man, it’s like, I am so jazzed about it. I am so excited about this round. I don't know what it is. It just has a buzz to it for me. So I am looking forward to coming back to that. I'm starting to feel that creeping up on me, that urge to get back to work, that urge to get back on zoom and hang out with people and coach and consult and all of those things that I do, teach whatever I want to say that I do, but I really have enjoyed having three months off.
I always have taken December off, like off of calls or off of students. But when Side Hustle was only six months, I only got two weeks in December. And so now one of the major reasons for shifting to the nine month model was so that I had all of November, all of December, almost all of January off of calls.
Now, of course, I'm still doing admin and I'm still doing sales calls and stuff. You guys know what it's like to be on, like when you're in session and you've got to be on and you've got to have this, like, mental acuity and this mental clarity.
And it's been nice to turn that piece off. So I've really been able to work on the business instead of in the business, right? This is what I always go back through the feedback from Side Hustle from every round and I just implement any changes, make any tweaks, adjust to any curriculum, adjust any things.
This was the first time teaching months 7, 8, 9, right? Because it went from six months to nine months. So there we did have this little weird calendar thing that happened in month eight for some of the students. And I went back through when I took a good look at that, straightened all that out and stuff.
And so those are the things that I do in this off time. So it's not that I'm not working, but I'm not having to be… I'm not having to have that presence and hold that space. So it feels nice to shut that piece down, but I can feel the buzz coming back. I can feel the energy shifting. That's telling me that it's time to get back to work, which will be happening soon.
So I'm really looking forward to that. I think this episode is going to be super fun because we're going into the lifestyle side of things. If you've been with me for a while, I feel like what are those called Easter eggs? Where there's like a clue dropped every once in a while, and then you can catch the Easter eggs.
I don't even know, like I could be totally butchering that, but I feel like if you've been following me, at least for the last year, you've probably heard some Easter eggs going on that I will be opening a lifestyle focused offer soon. It was always soon. It was always soon. And it is officially going to be this year.
Now I have a history of announcing things on this podcast in January and them not happening, but I'm really pretty solid that this offer will be opening this year. It's going to focus a little bit on the womb and of course it's really going to be focusing on intentional living and intentional choices.
I don't really feel like this is as far off from the work that I do with you guys in general, when I'm focusing on the business side of things, because I'm always talking about how does this business fit your lifestyle, it's lifestyle first business second. And so I'm still going to be doing all the Side Hustle stuff.
I'm still going to be what I'm known for and helping you guys do step outside of the therapy room and all that. When we say “put lifestyle first”, what does that mean? And what does that look like? And so I'm going to be introducing a lifestyle offer. I was so nervous. I'm so nervous and so excited.
So you will hear a couple of episodes that focus on this lifestyle side of things. And this one's the first one. So it's a little bit softer. Business stuff is usually step-by-step. This system and this structure, which is my natural tendency. But something has shifted in me in the last two years, which I'm sure those of you who are listening will say the same thing.
That it's been a shitty two years, but it's been, if nothing, it's been a catalyst for growth, right? If nothing else, it has really shown us what we're made of. And so that is where this lifestyle offer was born out of: My experience in the last two years, which I know is very similar to a lot of your experiences.
If you are digging this, what I'm going to talk about today, and if you're digging this idea of the lifestyle side of things and the business side of things make sure to pay attention to the PS that went out in this week's email, because I've got a little special corner of the internet set up just for us to have more of these conversations.
So if I go into my email from Monday morning and go into the PS and you'll find a little link right there, if you're not on my email list already, and you can do that by going to marissalawton.com/quiz. And that will get you started on the Side Hustle side of things. But if you are also interested in some of this lifestyle stuff from me, you can head over to marissalawton.com/legacy.
And that is where you will find our little pocket of interwebs, that's going to be talking about this lifestyle stuff. So if you're interested head on over to marissalawton.com/legacy. With that, let's go ahead and dive into today's episode, which is all about a really modern and energetic alternative to a new year's resolution.
Now you might be thinking: Marissa, we're a couple of weeks into the new year, right? I've already done my vision boarding. I've got my 52 planners and my pretty pencils are my pretty markers. I've done all my resolving and making my resolutions, like, I'm good. I don't know why we're talking new year's resolutions like halfway through January.
And if I were a “perfect marketer”, this episode might've come out a few weeks ago to reach you in advance of things. But when I sat down and thought about what I wanted to talk about, I realized that this message is more important than the timing, and it's more important than perfection, which as you guys are building your side hustle is something that I want to continue to model to you guys in 2022, right?
Taking imperfect action, starting a little bit before you're ready. If you feel that the message is important and needs to be heard, then it doesn't have to be delivered perfectly. And so that's what we're going to be talking about today.
It’s why we're talking about resolutions weeks after people have already made them. But another point to make is that a few weeks into the new year is when we tend to “fall off the wagon” of our resolutions. Anyway, so this is the time where we're I guess I really didn't want that.
It wasn't that important to me or whatever. And that's the first point that I want to make today is that with this reframe of resolutions, the first thing I want to talk about is this idea of succeeding or failing at a new year's resolution. Because what I really believe is that we don't fail to achieve our resolution.
What happened is that our resolution failed to serve us. So we do not fail to achieve our resolution, our resolution failed to serve us. And that's what we're going to be talking about today and why we're going to come up with kind of an alternative to this.
The other thing to think about is that the way that our modern calendar works is not necessarily lined up with the rhythms that were meant to go through as people.
So one thing is that we start this new year on January first, we go from December 31st to January 1st, and it's like, all of a sudden the clock goes from 11:59 to midnight. Everything's supposed to be brand new. Everything's supposed to be different. What we need to also realize is that we are only two weeks or, three, four weeks, whatever into winter.
Winter actually starts December 21st. And the way that our commercial calendar would have us believe is that winter starts in November and that's not true. So if we key into some of these natural rhythms and what's actually happening rhythmically with our planet rhythmically with the seasons and rhythmically, most likely with our bodies is that.
We're only 2, 3, 4 weeks into winter. Like, we're still just hunkering down. So if you don't feel this, get up and go energy because the calendar month has flipped over. There's the reason for that. And it is okay if your spark, your energy, your drive, your resolve to attack personal growth or go after a goal or whatever it might be is slower to roll out. It's okay.
If you're coming up on February and you're like, oh, I still feel like in hibernation mode. Cause it's winter, it's supposed to be like you're supposed to be hibernating, so I want you guys to think about this from a broader view and not necessarily from a commercial or a modern calendar view of what is supposed to happen on January 1st.
And this is why I'd say that traditional new year's resolutions are outdated, even though I'm throwing the word modern around here. My modern, I don't know… I guess we could call it like, my idea is new age, post modern or whatever. But it's the current societal commercial idea of new year's resolutions is out of touch.
I guess that's a better way to say it, out of touch, because traditional new year's resolutions are really attached to that timeframe. They're really attached to that 11:59 going to 12:00 AM that December 31st to January 1st, that literally flipping of the calendar month. And they are not tuned in to where we are rhythmically.
The other thing that kind of turns me off about traditional new year's resolutions is that they are focused on doing, right? Resolutions often are like verbs, like action words, right? Just coming up with them off the top of my head exercise. More exercise, the verb, do exercise more or whatever, and yes, they're focused on doing, but even more often than not, they're focused on things to stop doing.
Stop spending so much money, stop eating like crap, stop whatever. And so while the focus is on doing, it's implying that there's something that needs to be fixed. And one of the biggest takeaways that I want to be from this episode is that there is nothing inherently wrong with you. There's nothing inherently wrong with any of you.
All of us are glorious, beautiful. Fill in the adjective that you bought as we are, and nothing needs to be fixed. So these traditional new year's resolutions are action-focused on “stop doing so that we can fix a piece of ourselves”. Something that is not “worthy”, right?
That this piece of ourselves that does not equal worth. And so I also think that new year's resolutions tend to come out as a form of control. Not that… not talking… I dunno, not like puppet master control, but like a way for us to regiment ourselves, is what I mean. Like to control our behavior, to put ourselves in a box, and even more than that to try and fit into a societal mold.
A couple of examples of this is like the patriarchal societal mold would be stop eating junk food, stop doing something. Stop the verb, stop eating junk food. So I will lose 10 pounds. That's the piece of you that you think needs to be fixed? And the reason for that is because then I'll be an attractive female that society says is worthy. Then I will fit the patriarchal societal mold. I will stop doing this action so I can fix this piece of myself. So I'll be seen as well. That's like a patriarchal view.
We can also look at this from, like, a capitalistic view. Stop late night Amazon orders. I don't know, I’m making this up. Stop late night Amazon orders so I will save money. So I'll have more money in the bank so I can buy the three bedroom, two bathroom tract home in the subdivision that everybody says I'm supposed to have. So it's: stop doing this behavior so that I will be better at something so that I can do what I'm supposed to do, what I “should do”, “supposed to”.
This is why after a few weeks we've given these up because the resolution was never truly for us, right? It was never truly for us. It was for others, or for our need to please others, or for our need to feel worthy according to others. This is why we fall off the wagon. This is why we “fail” at our resolutions. It's not that we failed to stop doing the societal thing. It's that societal thing didn't serve didn't serve who we are and what we truly need right now.
There's nothing wrong with taking a look at the foods you're eating or your spending habits. But what can be the issue is what is the underlying motivation for you wanting to make these changes? Are you wanting to make these changes for yourself, for your spirit, for your soul, for your highest good, fill in the blank. Are you wanting to make these changes because they're truly in alignment with what you want, what you need, what is best for you?
Or are you wanting to make these changes because of what we've been talking about so far? I'm not saying we shouldn't work on ourselves, right? Clinicians, we're in the business of healing, we're in the business of personal growth, right? So I'm not saying that people shouldn't be better. But I think if the last couple of years have taught us anything, it's that we need to evaluate, if not deconstruct, right, the thoughts, motivations, and the intentions behind our choices.
What I really think has come up for me in my experience of 2020 and 2021. 2020 for me was a smack in the face of how out of alignment I was with my values. And then 2021 was ok, you've had the awareness. Now you realize the disconnect, what are you going to do about it?
So I think as we are pursuing personal growth, as we are trying to be our best selves, are we walking our talk? Are we actually living in the ways that we envisioned for ourselves? I remember when I was practicing clinically, I'd be like working with clients and it'd be like, do your grounding exercises, or do those, or whatever I was helping clients do.
And then I was sitting there like totally emotionally dysregulated myself. So again you're talking a good game, but are you walking your talk? And I think that's what we need to think about when we're making these resolutions, when we're making these, when we're envisioning what we want to be different or what we want to be better is that a form of you keying into who you are at your core, what your core truth is, and being honest with yourself about embodying that actual core truth. Are you walking your talk or are you making shit up to please other people? I think that's the biggest question.
So in doing this, in actually making a resolution or making a vision, or making a plan, whatever you want to call it for personal development, personal growth evolution, and evaluating how we want to evolve, we need to do so in a way that feels good. And that feels true. Does this feel good to me? Does this feel true to me? And so those are the first questions that I would ask as you're thinking about or leaning into any type of evolution this year. Does this feel good to me?
Question one, does this feel true to me? Question two, because these resolutions, these visions, these plans, these goals. These evolutions, they need to honor who we are inside, right? They need to honor us, not others by being true to ourselves and honoring who we are inside, we will shine more brightly for others. We will serve others better.
It's just another version of the oxygen mask, right? Oxygen mask, put yours on first. You can take care of other people or fill your pitcher first so you can pour into others, right? It's all the same meaning behind the analogy. But I think that this is even deeper than that because those are both about doing for you so you could do for others.
I really want us to feel for us. So we can feel for others. It's deeper than doing. And the last thing that I want us to think about when we're thinking about our resolutions, our visions, our plans, our dreams is something that feels more. I don't think this is a word, but I wrote it down… Dharma, right.
Dharma. In line with your Dharma, in line with who you are. We can get woo about it. We can get spiritual about it and call it your soul's purpose. We can call it that. But I think the key words I want to really stand out here are good, true, and honest.
Good: Is your vision for your evolution and your personal development? Is it good for you? Is it true to you? And is it something that you honestly want or need and need?
Alright. So let's dive into what this alternative can be. I've given you guys so far a few questions that you can explore. If you want to hit pause and get out a journal, or if you're driving or working or walking the dog or exercising or whatever you're doing, you can come back to this. The first thing I would do is answer those few questions.
And then what we're going to move into is what's the alternative, right? What is the alternative to that outdated, out-of-touch, typical new year's resolution. And I think that what we want to think about is setting a tone or a theme for your personal growth for the year. And I think this tone needs to feel aligned with what you want, what you need, who you are.
And we can double check that we can benchmark that against the questions that we just asked about. Good, true, and honest. So instead of something that is action-oriented. Or starts with a verb or even thinking oriented, starting with a noun. What I really want us to do is find this tone and align your personal growth with an aspirational feeling right.
Can we walk our talk, and can we do an exercise that gets us in touch with our emotions, with our inner feelings? Can we drop out of our heads? Can we get into our bodies and can we align? Can we create a tone of, or a theme of, aspirational feeling? So as you're writing this out or as you're, doodling it, journaling it, whatever you can take, like a red pen or a marker or a highlighter or whatever you've got.
And highlight the verb, literally highlight the action words, highlight the nouns, a feeling it's going to be announced. It's going to be a thing. It's going to be an emotion, but you'll know the difference between something that is aspirational for you and in your body versus something that you're thinking about.
So instead of calling this a new year's resolution, what you're really going to be creating as a mantra for yourself, a mantra for the year, a mantra for the tone of where you are headed. So I've heard this called a few different things. I've heard this called your north star. So having this mantra be your north star.
The other ways I've heard it described as like a lighthouse or a guide post, but that's basically the function of this mantra, this aspirationally emotional mantra of how you want to feel is that it functions as your guide. It functions as your compass, as your barometer. And by aligning to this emotional state, this compass you're able to slow.
You're able to intentionally navigate around the sheds to question the sheds and see if they're true to you and also to seek some magical moments, seeing some magical moments that can only come when you are present, can only come when you are regulated. And when you are pursuing something, that's true to you.
What I like about this idea of the north star or the compass or the guide post or the lighthouse is this is a way of energetically calling in what you truly want, not what you are supposed to want. This is guiding you towards what is honest for you. Now we've seen this trend starting in the last couple of years, if you've seen the what's your word of the year or your phrase of the year.
And those are a step away from the traditional resolution, which I think is an awesome step in the right direction. But these words are often still action oriented, right? One year, I think it was 2018. Trying to remember exactly which year it was. It might've been the beginning of 2019, cause we were still in Texas.
My word was elevate, right? It's a verb, elevate the thing, do it. Rise. That's another verb. And while it felt aspirational, it definitely had this like feeling to it. I could get into the feeling behind the word elevate. It still is a verb. It still meant I was having to do something instead of to be something as someone I was having to do something, instead of feel something or experience something.
So what I like about the north star is that it's being rooted in an aspirational feeling and it keeps you on track. So this mantra that is emotionally based, you can then take a look at your options. You can take a look at your choices and your actions, and you can use that compass or that barometer. Does this action get me closer to my north star? Does this action get me closer to my mantra? Does this action get me closer to my lighthouse, or does this action run me into the rocks? Does this action take me on a path that is not on the way to this mantra?
So if this choice brings you to this core desired feeling, to steal a phrase from Danielle LaPorte, if this action, this choice, this option brings you closer to the core desired feeling, then it gets the green light. And if not, you can ditch it. You can get rid of it or you can decide against it. You can say, no, this is not the choice for me. It does not get me closer to my lighthouse, my north star, my core desired feeling, my mantra, whatever that is.
Many of you might have in quotes “start a side hustle” as your resolution for 2022. And start a side hustle is doing. Starting is an action word. It's a verb, it's doing something. So I encourage you instead of start a side hustle, what is the aspirational emotion for starting the side hustle?
Now, if you need help with this, you can go back a couple of episodes to the four types of motivates. Kind of side hustle and you can see if that jogs anything for you. We have these four key motivations of why we're making this decision. So once you know your motivation, you can start to think about how it will feel to start a side hustle, go there, walk your talk, and get into your body and get into the emotions.
Think about how starting a side hustle will feel. Perhaps it will help you feel secure. Having another income stream will help you feel secure. Security, stability, safety. That may be what you are needing to feel from your side hustle. From some of you, it might be creative, get to feel creative. You get to feel as if you are pursuing something new and exciting.
And in the same vein it may feel expansive. It may feel like you're shedding the weight of what comes inside the therapy room and what comes from having to be a clinician all the time. So you might feel like you are expanding by starting a side hustle once, the feeling that you're going for, then you can create a mantra from that or an emotionally based phrase from that.
Scratch off “start a side hustle” and instead, you could write secure. I'm trying to think of how to phrase this as a mantra probably should have done that before I hit record. How do we do this with… I'll put it in the Facebook group.
I'll put some examples of this in the Facebook group, but what is the feeling? Concentrate on security. Maybe it's like security comes to me. That's better. Security comes to me through multiple income streams. Creativity comes to me outside of the therapy room expansion. Something. So once you have that mantra that is emotionally based, then you can benchmark your decisions and actions for 2022 against the feeling.
So start an Instagram. Does that help me feel creative? Does that help me feel secure, does that feel expansive? If it doesn't, then don't do that for your site. Do something else for your site. So that does feel whatever that core desired feeling is for you. This is how you'll know that you're on the right track, right? It's the internal guide, not the external pressure.
And I guess that's the biggest takeaway from this episode is: As you are working on your evolution for this year, as you are putting… I still quote the student all the time, Ilene, as you are flexing your bravery muscles this year and stepping out and saying, here's what I'm claiming. Here's where I'm taking up space. The one thing that I want us to take away from this is that it's the internal guide, not the external pressure that's going to make this all fall into place, and feel good and be something that you want to continue and commit to.
Right now, nothing is changing around here. I am still your business coach go-to for all things side hustles for psychotherapists. Empathy Rising is going to be here. We're going to have tons of tasky, strategic episodes for you. What my bread and butter is what I'm known for.
But if you liked this new topic today, if you noticed me using some new words that felt very nervous to share with you guys, but if you noticed a little tone in my voice that was changed, or if you've noticed this messaging is like up your alley, I've created a little corner of the internet for us to hang out at and have some of these more lifestyle-focused discussions.
My intention with this space is to just explore. We are going to go deep. It's going to be a bit earthy, a bit woo, and it's definitely going to get real and honest about our current choices and if they align with who we truly are and who we want.
So remember you can find a link to this in the PS from my email this week, or if you don't want to dig through your inbox and find it, you can head on over to marissalawton.com/legacy, and you'll be able to save your seat in our little cozy spot. Alright, I will be back next week and until then guys, keep on rising.
